It has also been a time of discoveries, discovering this time not a new city or retreat center, but a man, and my relationship to him. I must confess that my silence over the past week is also a reflection of all the emotions that have been revealing themselves and that I've hesitated to share because of their intrinsic intimate nature. But a writer's job is to expose and disclose feelings and emotions in ways that helps readers to identify with them, and to recognize themselves in the tribulations experienced by the writer, and to maybe understand themselves better, or ever so hopefully, to learn something new, to have a spark of recognition and feel somehow wiser because of what the writer dared to share. So in spite of much hesitation, I've decided to come clean, and to continue to write with honesty and candor about my perceptions of life as it evolves within.
Now I must take a step back, back to the days before my trip, back to San Salvador and the times when I was only wishing for all this adventure to unfold. And well, my ticket was purchased, my itinerary somewhat organized, and my relationship with Waldo finished. Whatever remnants of love were in my heart still, attached as it was to a loving, kind and funny lover, the relationship per se was gone and I basically held no real hopes of recovering it. Whatever little wisdom my mind had gathered in the past had taught me to understand and accept that when things are over, we must let go. And although my heart still beat quite strongly for him, my mind knew better than to restrict hopes of happiness to him.
So here I am, planning my trip, dreaming of the Lama, of the Karma Guen mountains, and of the Hungarian retreat center (the only two places I was supposed to visit at that time), talking to my friends about my plans, hopes and expectations, and besides the main absolute wish of settling down in Europe and build a life for myself and my family, there was one other very clear wish. I wished for love. For a tender, gentle, honest love with a man who would share my values and vision of the world, a man on the Way, on my Way, on the Diamond Way.
All along this trip that has taken me to 9 different countries: Belgium, Spain, Poland, Hungary, Czech Republic, Austria, Denmark, Germany and Slovakia my mind has been set on making wishes. At the circunambulation of every single Stupa that I have been in these past 2 and half months, my mind has focused on making wishes. At the Gompas in every center, my mind has made wishes.
Most of my wishes have been directed to the benefit and welfare of others, such as we've seen in previous posts, wishing for Waldo to find love and happiness, wishing for Sofía's father to be liberated from all suffering and being happy, wishing for my friend's happiness, for my mother's health and my children's well being, as well as for my lama's long life and strong health, and for those who still long for a loving partner.
But I have also made more selfish wishes. At every step along the path I have wished for my move to Europe to happen without obstacles, and for me to have the conditions of moving here unhindered, and to settle down to a good, stable life. I have wished for work and prosperity, in order to create the conditions for this European life I so desire, and to bring my children to me as soon as possible. And, of course, I have also wished for love.
Wishing for love has been the hardest. I found it strange to not have any specific man to focus on, but also quite liberating, since I was then free to request all the qualities I deemed important. And I did. I asked for a man to love who would love me in return. I asked for this man to be young, but mature; I asked for this man to be a Buddhist, and an inspired student of Lama Ole; I asked for him to have a job, and to be the kind of man who works; I asked for him to be good looking, reliable, sensitive and funny, and kind to me and other people, I asked for a man who would be friendly and whose friends I'd like, I asked for a man who would desire me, and with whom there would be sparks all the time, but he would also be sweet and tender to me, and would love me in the ways I like being loved, I asked for an uncomplicated relationship, but a committed one as well. I asked for this and probably much more, and it all came down not so much to the man, but to the good, happy, stable relationship we'd have.
Then in Lolland, after the weddings, I came to Lama Ole and spontaneously asked for his blessing "so that I can find a partner to share my life with" I almost spoke without thinking, the yearning of my heart came forward, and my Lama knew it came from a deep, deep place. A place that knew of fear and disappointment, but that still believed. He held me in his arms ever so strongly and as he put the Gao on my head and over my back, on the heart center, I could feel the strongest blessing until then. My eyes filled with tears and I could barely speak. He then asked me quite seriously "Do you like the Nordic type" and I manage to babble "I am not choosy" to which he quickly replied "You should be! You are a magnificent woman, you should be choosy!" I then gathered enough wits to respond "I am Lama, but with qualities, not nationalities" and we smiled at each other, content.
I often went to the Lama again, at E.C. and Mangutovo, but this time, my request was different "Please Lama make wishes that I can stay in Europe, make wishes that my visa is extended." and every time, the same loving certainty in my Lama's eyes told me I shouldn't worry about anything. The Buddhas are on it ;) The last time I saw Lama Ole, I wasn't alone anymore. I had found myself a man (as the lama himself told me smiling). The last time we both saw and spoke to Ole, he gave the both of us together a very strong blessing.
Well, a couple of nights ago, after spending yet another perfect day in beautiful Budapest, I looked into the eyes of this man I found, who's the only reason I am here at all now, I looked into his eyes and was amazed to realize he is everything I ever wanted, even if I never expected it. I realized he has the qualities I was searching for, and he treats me lovingly, as lovingly as I could ever wished to be treated, and that our relationship gives me as much joy and warmth as I could hope for, and that - as I've said before - in his arms, I feel safe.
I cannot know what the future holds for us, I don't even know if I will be able to stay in Europe after September 11 (yes, the date is dramatic as well, adding to the intensity of the situation), but he is doing his best to help me, and that is beyond anything I could hope for. I know everything to be impermanent, and I know the time we've spent together so far is short. But I know my heart, and he knows his, and, as he whispered to me the other night, "Maybe the Lama's wishes were not only for the visa... Maybe they were also for love and happiness..."
And most likely... they were.