East or West

In my cancer journey I have been confronted with many difficult decisions. Since I am away from my family and friends, I can only rely on my own intuition and inner wisdom.

Decisions such as what treatment to follow are the hardest. The medical community varies in their approach, whether they are in El Salvador, the US or Hungary, and are sometimes a bit contradictory, which can contribute to feelings of confusion and anxiety, a lot of fear of making the wrong choice and dying from it.

However the advice Western medicine has for breast cancer patients is pretty much the same everywhere: poison your body with chemotherapy, then proceed to burn it with radiation and please don’t forget to insert a hormonal time bomb by either removing your ovaries or inducing menopause.

I am both horrified and terrified of all of the above.

The highest blessing in my life has been the contact with the dharma, the teachings Buddha gave to the world 2600 years ago. In spite of coming to us millennia ago, these teachings are still relevant in the world of today.

Through my practice of dharma I have come in contact with very high lamas and have received their blessing and advice.

I am not talking about wishy-washy ideas that present themselves as alternative medicine. I am talking about Eastern wisdom and a medical science that has been healing people for thousands of years, without poison or burning or aggravating one’s condition with unnecessary pain or difficulties.

Most of the Western doctors I have spoken to in the past six months have been appalled at my determination *NOT* to have chemotherapy, and several have felt offended by my doubts and a few have been less than respectful to me when I’ve expressed my doubts and tried digging deeper with my many questions.

Following the advice of a Buddha, I’ve decided to follow an Ayurvedic treatment.

This feels true in my deep self. I trust it with my life, quite literally.

It doesn’t mean it’s easy. The limitations are many. But it feels right.

Anyway, what to trust more? The advice of a Buddha who sees everything in every situation, or that of a doctor who only sees statistics (which by the way do not include me)?
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I'll just follow my heart.

Strengthening my immune system

I realize I haven't written a blog post in like.... forever! So, it is hard to make up for all the time that I stayed silent. So much has happened I wouldn't know where to start, so instead of starting at the beginning, I'll just start with wherever I am at right now. If I later feel the urge to fill up the gaps, we'll see, but for now —and as a brief introduction to this post— let me just say: I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer about 5 months ago. I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction in November, all of the above, while living in Miami (!!!) but I am back home in Hungary now.

Finding myself in such a situation, dealing with uncertainty and trying to make the right BIG decisions, a deep sense of loneliness pervades me. I don't know where to turn for advise, or for a gentle pat in the back, or some sort of confirmation about my choices. I don't know anyone here who's gone through the same process, and relying solely on myself can be exhausting...

Therefore, I joined a few breast cancer support groups on Facebook, I simply couldn’t find one in Budapest adequate for me language-wise.

There was a post about how to strengthen the immune system, a valid question when enduring treatments I don't really know if I trust. One of the contributions resonated deeply within me. It said, “work with your mind.”

Wow! Well, isn’t that what I’ve been trying to do for the past 15 years or more?

Work with my mind. It sounds easy and everyone talks about visualization and the law of attraction and about manifestation. The truth is that things are not so clear cut. They say cancer is an emotional disease. And I actually feel so many different things now, enough to keep my mind very busy trying to work it all out. It's up and downs every day. What seems like a fine morning can easily turn into a crying marathon, and vice versa, a difficult morning can become a beautiful day full of hope and happy sensations.

So much for balance. But who ever said that working with our mind is easy?

I remember the summer of 2012, when Karmapa gave us the initiation on Dzambala in Becske. He said, “abundance is good health” and I remember thinking something in the lines of “come on! What I need is money!” Oh well... now it’s the other way around and I think of my foolish younger self with compassion. Little did I know...

In the end, all I can do is whisper to my cells in a soft, humble voice: “Thank you for healing me.”