Yesterday was so beautiful, and warm, I had a short interpretation event around the corner from my house, and after it ended, I couldn't resist a walk in the sunshine. As I was walking home on Andrássy, enjoying the sun and the blue sky, feeling quite invincible, despite everything, I ran into a friend I had not seen in a long time. I was happy to see him, and we chatted for a while.
This friend is very intelligent, and unfortunately has a know-it-all (or know-it-better-than-anybody-else) tendency. I say this to provide context on what happens next.
So naturally, he asked about my health and the treatments I follow. As I informed him of my decision to stop radiation and to not engage in any other "traditional" treatment, he was very surprised. If only he had left it at surprise.... He didn't of course. Instead he went on about what a stupid decision I had taken and went as far as to practically telling me I was going to die because of my choice.
I have had it with this people.
Please understand the following: EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT. Everyone's decision deserve respect.
The process of decision making when you suffer from a serious disease is excruciating. I cannot even explain how many tears I've cried wondering what to do. I felt completely helpless and abandoned, alone and afraid. Basically, morning was the time to cry. I would wake up, take my supplements and eat breakfast. Then the crushing feeling of uncertainty would attack me, and I would break down and cry, and cry, and cry...
I knew my survival was in my hands. No one to counsel me, no one to sit next to me while I weighted the options. No one to talk about it and cry over it. It was my burden and mine alone, and I bore it terribly.
At the same time, one of the oncologists I met with told me I was running out of time. If I were to do any treatment at all, it had to be now, and that is how I felt obligated to do radiation therapy. However, some issues happened. The oncologist in Miami accepted after several weeks of pressure from my side, that maybe the test results confused the sides of the tumors, which meant that I might have irradiated the wrong side of my body 10 times. She wrote to say maybe they will test my biggest tumor again, but never again responded to my emails. Neither did my Miami surgeon. All in all, I've been abandoned by most doctors (local oncologist refusing to work with me because I don't want to do chemo or hormone therapy), so my feelings of abandonment are quite justified, I think.
Anyway, this "maybe we confused the sides" was the final push I needed to stop radiation. My skin was burning, I was starting to experience important pain in the left axilla, and I felt exhausted all the time. This simply was not "me".
I would never dream of approaching someone who's decided to do chemo, radiation and hormone therapy, etc. and tell them: "You should stop. You are weakening your body and immune system and you will die because of making such a poor choice." Although that is clearly my opinion.
Does it make sense?
In my case, my decision was taken very carefully, after speaking to many doctors, researching the drugs they were proposing, thinking, meditating, thinking again, reading, and analyzing.
I wonder how many cancer patients taking chemo, radiation and hormone therapy have given it so much effort and thought, I can assume very few. See, cancer is a very scary diagnosis. Most people struggle to stay in control and sometimes undertaking this research is way too much for them. Also, challenging the establishment is not for everyone... (somehow I've always excelled at this, hehe).
I know because I felt this way as well. In fact, after receiving my own diagnosis, I think my life went up in the air for a while. I couldn't keep my routines, I felt so scattered that I had no discipline to study or work, or do anything reasonably, really. I was lucky at the time, I could rely on the support of someone close who cooked for me, took me out on bike rides in nature, to the beach, even to doctors' appointments and made me forget the live or die sensation that had taken hold of me. This helped my mental health a lot. Maybe it would have also helped my decision-making process but who knows... he was not there at that time, and it was definitely the hardest process I've ever gone through. I guess I was meant to go through it alone.
All I can say now, one week after making that decision, is I don't cry anymore. I found peace. I made a decision that resonates with my inner wisdom, with my gut, with my mind. I've found that my inner Buddha supports me and talks to me quite clearly through my intuition. I feel aligned with myself and full of trust in space, in my process, in life... My beautiful friend Celina helped me find an "integrative" oncologist, whom I hope to meet today. Hopefully this woman will help me navigate these troubled waters respecting my decision and supporting me all along the way.
I know my friends are very smart. I wouldn't have you any other way! But often, I've found that intelligence should be reined in by compassion. You might have all the knowledge in the world, if you cannot find a way to communicate it to others, what good can it do them or you?
For a moment after meeting this friend, I was shaky. But I refused to ponder his ideas of me dying from staying away from the western treatments. In my heart, this is what makes sense. Respect it. My being at peace with it surely is more important than you speaking your piece.
