I cannot help but wonder at the differences between the courses we organize in Latin America and the way things work here in Europe. Back home, there are always employees who do the hard stuff, but here everything happens because of the energy of the people and their motivation, which is so big..
Here it is our men who are working hard on fixing the roads that lead to our retreat centers. It is our men carrying heavy loads, repairing toilets. It is our people, men and women, working in the kitchen, in the laundry, in the shops.
I am still akwardly trying to find my place and how I fit into the scheme of things in order to participate fully, but I am a part of this people mandala and I know it and so does everyone else, and I am warmly accepted.
Here I am, a part of this world among worlds, one more among my people, and tonight I work, I do what I do best, I translate.
I still have no idea as to what will happen in the future. I know I must wait for the meeting in Germany with the lawyers to see about my visa procedures, and the the family meeting I've been invited to in August mught also open some new possibilities, and that I mustn't worry about making a decision just yet. But it is disquieting not knowing, not having a clue as to what I'll do and where I'll settle down. I found Madrid quite interesting, although honestly, Spain is not really my country of choise, I realise that now. France would of course be interesting for me, but I am not sure, as I know Dharma work is not really significant in either of these countries.
I realize this trip is not only about freedom and opportunities, it is also about Dharma practice, about my human development, and I know that can only happen within the energy of the Dharma. I need a Sangha, a full functioning center where people meditate and inspire others through a good example. I need a place where the Buddhist community matters, where I can be accepted, and further more, where I can make a difference.
Whatever happens in the future, there is one thing I know for sure, beyond any doubt, I have trust. Everything will be alright.
As I say this, Waldo's words from his last email come to my mind. A bittersweet feeling. I feel the strength of this connection that unites us no doubts about that, but I also feel the separation, not in our souls, not even in our bodies, but rather in our hearts. The relationship that no longer is. I find this sad but accept it. After all this also is love.
I think I might be ready to let go.