Monday, June 27, 2011

The Cat's Birthday

Today I write with a heavy heart. The Karma Guen course is officially over and already friends are departing. I myself, leave tomorrow morning to Madrid. So I am a bit sad. Suddenly I am afraid of everything I am doing. All this traveling, all these changes. I feel a sudden hole inside of me and I feel weak...

I miss my children, my mother, my friends, and of course my beloved. My good friend Kuba left yesterday, not without telling me as he said farewell "You know you can count on me, right?" So now I feel alone again, assailled by disturbing emotions without anyone to share them with. I know very well I am strong enough for all of this and that I have all necessary resources to make my dreams come true. However true that is, I am still scared and I still feel like crying. I feel the urge to run to my beloved arms. The lack of loving contact is having a terrible toll on my morale. I need a bug hug and someone who tells me everything will be fine.

I see a pattern in my anxiety. I am packing up and this never fails to unnerve. I feel anxious, fragile. It is so stupid.

I finished the first Volume of the trilogy "he" gave me and I loved it. The story tells the very special relationship that a little girl has with her daemon, or rather her soul, in this case in the body of an animal, who also is her dearest and clsest friend. I wish I had one, especially now that I feel so lonely. I can't help but think of all the moments in my life that I've felt  truly alone, when a good loving advise whould have been so welcome and might have saved me from so many mistakes, mistakes born of sadness, ignorance, stupidity or confusion. But we are all truly alone in this world. Life is our own adventure to be lived, and death is the same. I can't help but think of a conversation I had recently when I told my friend "But Grace, love, no one has your back".

And in the end, this adventure that I am living now, is my own choosing, and roads are opening before me so that I only need to follow them. I know this is a blessing that I should only feel gratefulness for, but today I am like a litlle girl, a small little girl in need of love, tenderness and comfort. The woman hiding inside is still hagning strongly, so the litlle girl doesn not cry, she's only got one last mean to overcome her feeling of unrest and she writes. She writes to the man she loves and wishes for his arms around her, she writes on her diary and escapes the sadness.

Oh! And by the way… today is my cat's birthday. I miss my home.

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