When I decided to start this blog, I made a commitment with myself that I would always be as honest and transparent as possible, and I have so far been quite faithful in honoring this promise. Sometimes writing has been blissful and I assume reading might then be inspiring. At other times however, my writing comes from my processing difficult emotions and the results are not as hopeful or optimistic, like my last post.
When my man read it he told me pointblank "there isn't any trust reflected. It is sad." Indeed it was, because that is how I felt when writing it. A very easy and honest conversation followed, where he informed me he thought I was probably feeling this way because of a lack of trust in myself regarding our relationship, and that if this was so, it had little to do with me staying or leaving, and would anyway rise again later on. I didn't disagree completely but spoke about the previous experiences I've had with my other "long-distance" loves, where enthusiasm has died a slow or quite rapid death, depending on the conditions. Surely this justified my feeling so discouraged! With the clarity he can so easily summon whenever its called for, my love uttered the words that solved everything,swiftly removing the clouds of doubt. He said, with this mixture of gentleness and firmness he uses when speaking about matter pertaining to us that I like so much because it always settles things constructively; he simply said "Trust us." I couldn't believe how simple it was... Just like that, two simple words... and my heart was at ease.
It is true that our time together has been short. Not even two months have elapsed, but as he eloquently puts it, the time spent together has been intense. We have been sharing a very small space and been in each other's faces basically... all the time! Except when he goes out to work, or to his salsa classes, or if we go out with friends, separately, and also on my daily outings by myself. And this we've done quite well, I think, maintaining our independence while sharing such close proximity.
We've also been quite transparent with each other, sharing points of views, opinions, bad moods, as well as joys, happiness and relaxation. I even had the brilliant idea of getting sick, to add some stress to the situation (he - of course - took me to the doctor, ever so kindly, in his "lets-solve-this" no non-sense way of facing difficulties). We've both had our spouts of anger, although not directed at each other, so far. Fortunately. One angry person isn't optimal, but if both are, then everything is doomed. I think it's actually been educating. And a good way of getting to know each other, after all it's not rosy petals all the time, is it?
In fact, when, in the past few weeks spent in Budapest, I've had the opportunity of chatting with girls, and everyone knows that friendly girly conversations cover mainly the topic of boyfriends and love, this lack of rosy-petal relationships has become evident. They all eventually end up sharing some or other disastrous relationship they have manage to walk out of, and I've felt quite happy to see that although of course I have my own share of "ex-boyfriends from hell" stories to share, they actually go back quite far in time, and that from my recent experiences I can only speak of good relationships, with good men, who actually were also my good friends.
I am delighted to see how I have passed from the dissatisfying and hurtful relationships of the past to comfortable, loving and respectful ones, where the emphasis has been placed on love and happiness and not on resentments coming from unsatisfying relationships, or power struggles and manipulations or straight out disrespect, falsehood and deceit, as is unfortunately so often the case.
During the recent Kuchary course in late June, Lama Ole answered the question of an unhappy lady who was disappointed about the relationships in her life, he said "Become a better partner". The idea strikes me then that I have become a better partner, and that in fact, I am a quite good partner. That I have learned to love without all the troubling expectations that so cloud our feelings, and to argue or not argue but only listen to what the other has to say (depending on the situation) without taking anything personally. I have learned to express myself and my feelings directly, without shame or fear or added drama. I have learned to become sensitive to the other's emotions and state of mind, instead of listening only to my own mind and seeing only my perception of the situation at hand.
I realize I am completely open to the present moment and what it can bring and therefore not overly attached to my own plans. This gives me a freedom I couldn't enjoy before, the freedom of deciding how to act and even feel at every moment, with everybody. And the freedom of living every second of my life as it comes, without holding on to the past, regardless how recent, or to the future, regardless how brilliant... Of course I realize I've come a long way, but that is exactly my purpose as a Buddhist, as a mature woman... To leave behind all self-hindrances and self-sabotage strategies, to see beyond old and rancid ideas, patterns and opinions, to grow and develop everyday, and to be of benefit to others, especially to those closer to me, those whom I love the most, who incidentally are those who have the strongest impact on me.
It is clear to me then, I have better partners because I am a better partner myself.
I look at the man next to me, so busy in his own computer world of work, salsa and news while I dwell in my own computer world, writing my blog and checking facebook and I feel positively elated... He is interesting, and smart, and kind, and funny, and gentle, yet firm, and strong, and beautiful, and reliable; and I love him, and I trust him, and I most definitely trust us.