Sunday, October 16, 2011

The struggle

The rain doesn't stop falling down, and it reflects my mood to perfection.

I learned yesterday that the complex and intricate immigration laws of the European Union will not allow me to come back to Hungary until December.

I try to look at the bright side of things and suppose it means I will have more time to spend with my family and also more time to work at my profession, earning good money that I can later use to invest in building my new life in Europe. But... my mood still is as closed and gray as the sky above, where the rain never stops. I could scream.

I try to distract myself and see my friends, take my kids to the movies, and work on a difficult legal translation I'm in the process of doing. I even try to cook. But the rain doesn't stop falling and my efforts to improve my mood just fall with it. I am angry, irritable, and did I mention it, also PMSy. I feel trapped in a golden cage, where everything looks perfect but it is all a bad joke because I can't leave it.

I know I am supposed to be a grown-up about this, and act all mature and wise. Focus on the higher view all the time and smile happily because all is well in my world, when it could actually be going so much worse. Literally much worse. Around me, in the whole of Central America, people are dying, losing their homes and everything they hold dear, and we cannot do much to help. Sure we can donate our clothes, our blankets, even some food or medications, but their predicament is still terrible and unforgiving.

Reflecting on others' misery actually gets me out of my egotistical little world and makes me look at my life in perspective... I am healthy, I am safe, my loved ones are as well, we have a strongly built home, which provides warmth and comfort, and a hot cup of tea is within my reach anytime, heck! even hot chocolate if I want! This should do it.

Yet, ever so human, my ego refuses to let me go. It screams from deep inside to focus on my own petty dramas, it wants me angry and sad. It needs me insecure and weak, trembling with leaky eyes. It thrives on my discomfort, on my craving for attention. This actually pisses me off even more than anything else. Am I really this basic??? Am I really so shallow??? And the sad answer is yes I am.

But I am also something else. I am also a deep and profound lake of inner peace, a shining female Buddha, who looks lovingly upon the world around. I am a temple of strength, endurance and trust. I am a mountain, tall and unshakable. I am his student, and a devoted practitioner. I am the music, and I am all joy; and I am true love. Even when I forget about it and let the inner storm rage in the oceans of my mind; underneath the surface, a Buddha is smiling. And I suddenly realize... I am smiling too.

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