I am not really sure of how to write this post. I just feel it's important to share what I feel now. Maybe because I've seriously never felt this - and please, I'm not talking about "the depth, or breadth, or heights" of my feelings (to paraphrase Elizabeth Barret Browning), since I strongly believe one should never compare one love to the next - I'm talking about feeling loved, not only in love, but actually loved back.
You see, I think there is a big difference between falling in love - which is a rather short period of time, and can sometimes sum up the whole of the relationship - and being in love. The latter is what I am, now. "I am aware" of this, like Alanis says in her beautiful song "Head over feet". A song I've come to identify myself with lately.
As you may remember, I had mixed feeling about leaving Budapest, but ended up trusting, not only the man I love, but also myself, us, our relationship, what we've found in each other, what we're building together. Because I've realized now, we are building something together!!! And that is actually the first time in my life when I've ever had this feeling of joint purpose, of unity, of clan or pack feeling - although we're just two, so maybe these words are not the best choices to describe the situation, but bear with me...
We said goodbye exactly 17 days ago. That's not the end of the world, fortunately (!!!) but still, it's a long time not to sleep on his shoulder, not to tickle him, not to smell him, not to hold him in my arms... And there's still about 28 days, or more, before I can do all that once more. So I miss him. Yet, this distance (come on people, we're talking about 10,235 kilometers here!!!) is absolutely bearable.
This is not the first time I am in love with someone who lives far away. In fact, in the past four years, the distance between me and my beloved has averaged a little over 9,280 kilometers, so you see, I am no beginner at this long-distance thing. The one thing I am discovering though, even if I may know the theory from our Teachings, is that distance is only an illusion. (Thank you Skype!).
My man and I speak to each other everyday, we joke and laugh, we discuss serious business, make decisions, share our little and big everyday things, we send kisses and kiss the camera (real slowly so we can appreciate each other's lips, hihi!), we remind each other how much we love one another, and short of hugging, tickling, smelling and sleeping in each other's arms, we're pretty close to each other all the time.
Whenever I think of the distance between us, I can only measure it in the traveling hours that I will need to cover in order to be in his arms again (let me tell you there are maaaaany); otherwise, we could be next door to each other. I feel as close to him as ever, if not closer. You see, now he has an insight on the part of my life he could only imagine before... My country, my family, my role as a mother, the personality of my kids, even my cat (yes, this last part he probably could do without, but still...).
I am really moved to feel so strongly about him, ABOUT US!!! I am moved by his constancy, by his presence, everyday, in my life. I am moved by the tenderness we show each other in spite of... well... the distance (hehe, didn't I just say it was all just an illusion?).
I am moved by love. :')