The weather here is brutal, 35° in the shade, we´re all suffering from the heat and feel overwhelmed. The heat is so strong that I sometimes feel as if my skin was on fire, or as if my blood were about to boil underneath. I mean, seriously, I feel in danger of spontaneous combustion anytime now. I take my water bottle and pour it over me, and then use my fan to cool my skin off, it works for a while.
In Becske I am doing what I do best: translate for my lama. There aren't any persons in the audience that need my translation, but I am doing it for the sake of those watching the streaming online. I think of my dear friends in El Salvador, and feel very moved. I am dedicating my efforts to all of them, with all of my heart.
Being in the booth helps me to stay focused on the teachings; because of the heat, many are falling asleep. The Hungarians did something very bright. They collected all the questions and compiled them in a document, which not only makes it easier for the Lama and his translator to read, but also contributed largely to having an extremely intelligent course, where Lama Ole could focus completely on the transmission of the highest teachings witout the occasional distraction of the many "what-to-do-with-my-twisted-love-life, or why-is-my-cat-so-neurotic" questions.
On the first morning, a Greek traveling teacher spoke to us about Refuge. He himself received the refuge back in 1977, from the XVI Karmapa, almost by mistake, in Amsterdam. His story was told smartly and with a refreshing sense of humour. I liked him and hope to be able to interview him if I do my research.
On my part, I had massive purifications. I suffered greatly from watching so many families, I just missed my kids so much, I couldn't help but imagine what it would mean to them to come here with me, and to meet so many other kids their age who also come from Buddhist families. It wouldn't be weird anymore, but totally natural I experienced a lot of fear. Fear of not being able to settle down, to make a life in Europe for me and them, fear of makins a bad decision. I was also extremely upset about Waldo. I saw so many happy couples, couples who loved each other and gave each other loving tenderness, as we used to do ourselves not so long ago. I realize of course, this is attachment I am feeling, but it doesn't make it less disturbing. All these feelings were really driving me nuts, and I was feeling seriously sad. Finally one morning, upon waking up, Magdie, my roommate told me I had been crying in my sleep. That did it and I started to cry in my awake state as well. She tried to comfort me the best she could. Holding me in her arms and whispering with all the kindness of her heart "om mani peme hung" and "om tare tuttare ture soha". It was all I could bare.
Of course I realize that the practice I am working on right now is a purification one, and that I am bound to experience difficulties. That same day, just as I was about to go d my prostrations to the stupa, lama Ole passed me by on his daily jogging. I decided to join him and ran by his side. After a while we went to the lama house and I told him about my distress. He told me he would do a "mo" or Tibetan divination to help me out.
We sat down at his desk and he told me he would first ask about my moving to Europe. Then whispered my name to his mala that he held in front of him, he whispered some more and then told me "it is with difficulties but the result is good". He then told me he would ask what happened if I stayed in El Salvador and repeated the process. The response was definitive "Bad, you should come here". I felt very relieved. I then told him about this relationship, about the things that disturb me, the age issue, the distance, the intensity of the feeling, and he asked me his name. I told him and he started "I know him" I said no but then, who am I to contradict the lama and tell him who he knows and doesn't? The response was also quick: "This is a very good relationship for both of you" he said "but it is difficult. While you're apart you should have other men, and he should have other women." this said in a very quiet way, almost murmuring, with all the kindness of his beautiful loving heart.
I understood two things then. The first is I should not doubt what I do. I am a mature and wise woman and know how to assess and make the right decision. The second is that to spend my time pondering on whether this man loves me or not, or whether we'll ever be together again is totally stupid and useless. I should truly trust space, that everything is as it should be and that I know perfectly well the connection that unites us, and it has nothing to do with the fact of us being together physically ever again or not. I also reflected on the feelings of jealousy I had been experiencing, and moved on to make wishes for the happiness of all beings, and for the lovers, and those who are still looking for a good love, may they all find the joy that comes with a good love.
I don't believe there is anything as powerful as making good wishes for all beings. We constantly make wishes for ourselves, that is natural and good, but if we think about it for a second, the energy pulling those wishes is only ours. And there are millions of single energy wishes out there. So, as Lama Ole says so often "If the others are many and we are just one, then they must be more important." It is so much easier to just wish what everyone wants anyways: love and happiness, and wish it for everyone, so that our energies all added together make for a huge pull.
May all sentient beings have a good love in their lives and the causes for a good love.
May all sentient beings have a good family in their lives and the causes for a good family.
I forgot to mention something: Pavel reminded me today of one very important thing: My ultimate wish is not whether I get a good salary, or a good boyfriend. My ultimate wish is to reach enlightment for the good of all beings. I'll make sure never to forget this again.
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