Alchemy

Yesterday was a day for many adjustments, standing up from my wounded pride and facing my disturbing emotions, and realizing that I myself planted the seeds of the cactus that I was sitting on, then quite happily understanding that there was a great protection allowing me to see this purification happen so fast, and then making a conscious effort to ensure the link remains purified of all negative imprints from now on.

I also opened a door that brought me to new horizons and opportunities. I remembered my Lama´s words "A Buddhist doesn´t believe, a Buddhist has confidence". And I did. I never knew what was behind that door, but I acted on pure confidence. My reward was much more than I can understand right now. But this comes later.

As for today, we had the White Tara Initiation. She is also called the Wishfulfilling Wheel. Rinpoche said that if we practiced this meditation, we´d be able to avert all obstacles in our lives.Very seldom have I experienced such profound meditation. Rinpoche is just wonderful, his laughter melts my heart and makes my eyes wet. I feel his kindness is limitless and an energy field of pure love surround all of us in his presence.

In yesterday's initiation I remember a moment in which all wars and struggles were pacified, I fervently made wishes for my heart to be pacify, and today, during my meditation I am White Tara, and am surrounded by thousands of White Taras, and even this man I was angry with yesterday is Perfection in White Tara. We are all Buddhas, and I smile at the beauty and perfections that surround me.

I know we shouldn´t discuss our meditation experiences, and it truly is not my intention to do so, but this was so strong and powerful that I cannot remain silent. I need to share.

With my eyes closed I let Sheralb Gyatsen´s words guide me and became the beautiful and pacifying form of the White Liberatrice, after a few breaths, everyone around me was also White Tara emanations and we all radiated with love and kindness. There was nothing to hold on to, nothing to achieve. Simply white loving light and the energy of four thousand friends on the way absorbing the power of the loving female Buddha.

I made strong wishes to pacify my heart and simply melted in the joy that so many could share this bliss, that so many of us enjoy the beauty of the Dharma gifts, the motherly Liberatrices, the red Dakini in powerful posture, Mahakala´s protection, dwelving in the Pure Land, melting in Loving Eyes, and expanding overflowing love in the Mandala Offerings... Yes! We are so many... and yet we are one.

Alchemy is the art of transforming something quite ordinary into something quite precious. In this case, the joy and the unconditional love experienced by my teachers filled me like a vase being filled with crystal water. I cannot hold on to negative thoughts, I can only surrender to the highest view, I am the highest view. I am the highest love.

And that´s how the most amazing thing happens. I fall in love.

In the Lab

Very good. So I am now starting where the chapter called "Butterflies" left off, there I spoke of a blooming connection and of being open to whatever opportunities and gifts life would decide to bestow upon me.

Well it didn't take long to manifest. (I am actually smiling inwardly because today is the Long Life Buddha Initiation, and I see that I always undergo strong purifications when an Initiation takes place. It's interesting, that's all.)

Anyway I committed myself to not shy away from the experience and I didn't. I gave it my all, my best, being who I am, and feeling gratefulness and generosity towards a special man. I realize that through countless lives I've interacted with countless beings and therefore sowed countless karmic seeds that were sometimes positive and sometimes (I imagine most of the time) negative. I cannot doubt the intensity of this encounter, since it shook my ground quite deeply. So much so that I was, since the beginning, struggling against very subtle feelings of fear, so subtle as to be difficult to detect, but they were there all the same.

I see the need to work on my intuition, that I still don't trust, and which told me from the very first moment that this man was a bit funny, and that it might be good not to come too close, in spite of the strong attraction I felt. But things being the way they are, I couldn't resist myself and although I knew better than approach him and go directly looking for trouble, I was totally incapable of resisting him approaching me.

So once you make this decision, once you open a door to someone, there is simply not going back, because if you inwardly say "Ok! I'll trust you", then you've made up your mind about letting somebody in and allowing him to see you. And that's what I did. The connection was profound and quite beautiful, honestly. I cannot pretend to have had anything as strong in the near past, or before Waldo. I found him kind, gentle, funny, delicate even. Concerned about me, my thoughts, my friends, and I opened up.

Until suddenly, he himself turned on the lights, and I had to rub my eyes strongly, eager to protest for the brutality of the wake-up call. He did so himself, in a way that I still have problems with and that I'll just call "Very Bad Style". I was quite angry at him last night, when it happened. And could feel all my disturbing emotions coming to the surface. But I am no longer theirs to play with at will. I am stronger than that and can actually stand the rain while I move to distance myself and look at what is really going on.

Last night, in the blur of anger, I focused on everything he was doing wrong, the confusion, the lack of wisdom and compassion, the lack of awareness, and indeed all that is there, inside him, no doubt, but it is of no interest to me, or anyone else but him, if he ever wakes up and decides to look at it.

Now I am ready to look inside of me. And as I do, I recognize my wounded pride, which limps pitifully before me. I can see attachment and jealousy don't play such a strong role in this tragedy. I thought I saw them for a while last night, but this morning they were gone. Bam!!! I am proud!!! Wow!!! I must confess I did not see that coming! I thought I was all about desire and attachment, and anger and confusion, surely, with the occasional spurts of greed and jealousy, but... pride??? seriously????

Well here it is, showing its ugly face. Here I am, wounded in my ego. Thinking of how bad I look now to the whole wide world (quite realistically, I don't think the world gives a damn, but you know how it is). I am still quite angry and cannot stand it when I feel his eyes on me, I could pluck them out (just kidding!!! well... sort of anyways). I refuse to look at him because I would then see his sardonic smile, and that would get me even madder. "I don't want to smile at you mister!!! And in spite of what you think, I don't find your story funny!!"
Grrrrrr!!! I am angry, aren't I? (I say this with a wondering surprised little smile, it is actually quite fun to examine one's emotions!).

As I grimly chew on all the things I could say to him if I were given the chance, I realize that the last one would probably be "Thank you". Not in a friendly, forgiving, bridge-building kind of way, of course, but simply quite matter of factly... This is definitely one interesting opportunity for development!

And the discoveries in the lab continue...

Why are we on this path (angry)

Freedom is such a vast concept... for some minds it is hard to actually grasp it, and they confuse freedom with being irresponsible.

But in Buddhism, the main objective of our practice is to become responsible for our own lives. This implies two very important qualities: active compassion and intuitive wisdom. Our teacher also insists at almost every lecture on the importance of not hurting others, but to rather work to protect them. Buddha did not leave commandments, but rather a few advises to help us lead happier and more beneficial lives.

At the level of the body, he recommends not ever killing or damaging anyone, but, like I said, to take every opportunity to protect others, and to give them healthy pleasure physically. At the level of speech, Buddha of course advises us not to lie or deceive others, to avoid slander, harsh words and empty speech. At the level of mind, we are basically counseled against hatred.

As I stand here I see someone deceive me, and make a fool of me, obviously hurting my feelings and not taking one minute to reflect about it. I have a real hard time understanding, especially the lack of compassion. But well, like my friend Ingrid says "People are cruel", and being on the path doesn't mean that we have actually learned anything.

I think of my own intuitive wisdom and how I must really learn to trust myself and that when something scares me, I should maybe listen to it. I also thank my good karma for things falling into place before more harm is done, but cannot help feeling like a fool and resenting this attitude. I understand this also is Karma, and that I planted the seeds of this situation at some point in time. This is serious purification, working at many levels and on many emotions. And I very bravely resolve not to sow more seeds in this direction. Maybe tomorrow I will even be able to make good wishes for this person and actually do it from the heart.

Quite honestly tonight I am angry.

Butterflies

To follow up on my friend Peter's idea, how do we measure if we live a rich and meaningful life? If it indeed is by the quality of our human connections, then how do we measure the warmth and depth of these connections? By how much they hurt if they break? By how much we've given or received? or by the feelings that remain throughout, when together as well as when apart?

In friendship it is easy to keep the freshness of the feeling, even if we separate for a long time. So I think our true trials come out in love.

Throughout many years in my life I grew weary of love, feeling afraid of the intensity and of the negative possibility of having my heart torn out, which did happen, of course, many times. I remember the last time it happened, a couple of years ago. I was with my family and friends on vacations at a friend's house, on the river Izabal in Guatemala. The house we were staying at was much like a resort, with several pools, bungalows, and even a boat to take us around the river and the adjoining lake. Everything was Paradise, we had it all, the best food, the best cocktails, the best music, the best company. Yet I was suffering greatly. I was suffering the pains of a broken heart.

The offender in this case was also present, which made my torment worse, since I could not take my mind off of my misery even for one second. I remember being actually sick from the pain I was undergoing and wanting the earth to open and swallow me whole. It didn't. What did happen was that I had an astounding insight regarding my pitiful situation. I realized that my heart was indeed broken, and I also realized that it happened to everyone, ALL THE TIME!!! So suddenly my situation was not as bad as I thought, it was actually quite common, and even more, it was also impermanent. Although I couldn't foresee it clearly, the day would come when I no longer suffered the way I did.

I had to wait a while for that. Almost two years went for me to recover all my strength and self-assurance. And trust still felt like a lifetime away... Until then, a miracle happened!!!! I fell in love again!! Unexpectedly Waldo came into my life and showered me with love, and sweetness, and tender words and actions. From the loneliness where my previous broken heart had left me I had suddenly a place where it was warm and cozy. It even felt safe. And it was!!!

As you might know - if you're faithful and applied readers - our love story didn't endure long. It ended, and of course this caused disturbing emotions. But it didn't break my heart. And it didn't break his either. The amount of good impressions we planted into each other's heart is intact, and the good feelings that once united us are still there. I still want all the happiness in the world for him and he still wants all the happiness in the world  for me. If he were here right now, we would hug tightly and feel the happiness of our connection. Yet we are no longer in love. (With each other ;) )

For the first time in my life a love connection ended without me going through a zoo of difficult emotions and untamed wild feelings. I actually observed the whole thing disintegrate gently, softly, as if we both knew we had to take care of the other one's heart, as of course everyone in a relationship must. But I have told this story already...

The interesting thing is having new stories to tell. And I think I might...

The duration of this connection is yet to be seen, and not really important, things being as they are, impermanent like clouds in the sky. But I cannot doubt the depth of it. As I write these words, I feel my heart flutter with joy. I feel equal parts of excitement and prudence, but I know I will not shy away from the experience. I do have all the tools necessary to deal with whatever comes to be after all... So I'll just be who I am and let my heart beat like it does. Like Lama Ole says "When you don't expect anything, everything is a gift. When you have no fear, everything is an opportunity". So, for now, I'll just enjoy the butterflies and smile :)

FRIENDS on the Way

This chapter is devoted to the connections I've made in this part of my journey.

A while ago, a man with special psychic powers (let's just not get into that discussion, take my word for it, ok?) told me that during this trip I would learn about real friendship, since I had not had real friends in El Salvador. I was a bit shaken by his words but otherwise didn't really think much about it.

Until now.

Last night as usual we all got together at the big tent after the teachings ended, and there we were laughing and sharing stories when suddenly, a bit jokingly, Carina said to me "Don't worry, I have your back!" and we both laughed because of the context (that situation might be told later on....). But inside of me, the words of the psychic resounded. I actually KNOW she does.

It's true we don't know each other for long. We met in Karma Guen quite superficially and only started to become friends at the last night party in Kuchary. But friends we have become. And we've been traveling in really close proximity since Hungary and we've shared many things, intimate confessions, crazy fun, differences and similarities. We've even shared beds and even assignments since we're both translating into Spanish our Lama's teachings. We've met cute guys, and interesting people, we've been to parties together, to Museums, we've eaten cake together, and made fools of ourselves together, we've been smart to each other, we've given advise to one another, we've shared our purifications and our realizations, etc. etc. And I've always felt secured in her company, safe and secure. Carina definitely has my back. And I've got hers!

She has been my teacher ever so humbly, or I'd dare to say, totally without realizing it. I've learned from her quiet and unpretentious wisdom, from her generosity, from her patience. She is warm, open and trusting, and we actually share the same sense of humour. I add meeting Carina to one of the blessings this trip carries. Spending time with her has made so many things more meaningful, and we are incredibly alike on many levels. The company has never been unnerving, or overbearing. I am thankful to Pavel for having introduced us. My trip has been all the better for it.

Another person I must speak about, here at EC, is one of our translation booth companions, Adam from Poland. Adam is a young, energetic, good humoured man, who has always a joyful smile on his face and a very sweet tooth, our friendship started by sharing gummy bears and chocolates in the booth. Later it moved on to wine and chips and tapas, and jokes, and laughter, and opinions, and stories about our lives, our countries, our lovestories, our connections, our understanding of the world.

He is one of the very few men, if not the only man, here at EC that I feel totally confident relating to. As he put it the other night when a friend of his implied something more than friendship was going on between us "the connection between me and this girl is different, she's like my sister". I beamed at him! I feel totally the same. This is very special. Adam is a very educated young man, who comes out like a joker but has incredible depth to himself. I admire his liberated view on love, and find my own view still so tight and narrow. Our dharma exchanges always leave me refreshed and wiser. We share our dreams and this adds value to our friendship.

My friendship to him became clear the other night. In face of the possibility of a nice night connection, I preferred to stay with him, chatting over hot ginger water. He also has my back, and I carry him in my heart.

Another special person who also has a compartment in my heart is my other translation companion, Patrik, from Hungary. For him, I feel a special tenderness and a sort of responsibility (for lack of a better word, this really not being the right one) for his well being. Patrik is a very sensitive and honest man. He showed me his heart and I therefore became somehow protective of his happiness. He is beautiful and strong and good, transparent and wholesome. I see his great power so clearly and just wish I could mirror it back to him unequivocally, I realize I am constantly making good wishes for him, and that I am especially concerned about his feelings. I have his back.

Gari is also special to me. We met in Beckse and found ourselves again here. He is the sweetest, most attentive and generous person around, and if I see him in the same room I am, I get the feeling I am not alone, even if we're not together. He is always smiling, always gentle, always friendly. Gari speaks French perfectly and we carry on long conversations in my favorite language, which fills me with joy. He is funny, kind and giving. He awakens feelings of great trust in my heart. Like we are friends from long before. Gari has my back.

Dharma is not only about personal growth and development. Dharma is about love and connections, and trust and human warmth, about shared values and pats on the back. We are all part of the Mandala, we all share the blessing. I love them all.

Maintaining the higher view

So the adventure continues. I am enjoying the magic of the E.C. at a level I never expected. I realize that it's been two months today since my journey began and that I've been in the energy field of my Lama. That in itself is very special and I know this is why I am so capable to hold the higher view in my daily life and occurrences like never before.

I am strangely surprised at this new state of mind where I seem to rest so easily in the here and now and in what's happening without dwelling on my wants and desires too much. And also, generally, whatever I want or desire manifests without any preoccupation on my behalf to make things happen. I must confess to have been training on this for some time. It has happened slowly over a long time of meditating and having silent insights that have helped me not to expect anything, and to flow with what life has to offer.

This is strangely evident in the energies that are supporting my traveling. I can see how things arise and come into place effortlessly, assisting me in creating this new life I want. Now the most difficult part comes, the one I am so afraid of. i must speak to the lawyer that will tell  me how to proceed with my visa request. I don't want to lose time in moving to Prague, I also do not wish to spend much time in El Salvador anymore. I wish for things to go smoothly. I made serious wishes at the Copenhagen gompa, as well as elsewhere for this move to be as effortless as everything else. This is the most stressing situation for me right now, to worry about this visa.

But as I said, I have acquired a gift for managing life's difficulties that seems to make everything flow quite easily. It is simple, fresh, staying in the now and only focusing on what's right before my nose.

Around me, my friends on the way gather in the big tent that serves as a place to eat, to dance, to have exchanges, work on computers, etc. Andrei just came by to tell me that all my friends have gathered in the back and to invite me to join, and by the way would I like some tea? This is really how it is here. Everyone so friendly and caring. We all just want to do good for others, we all want others to feel good, to be happy.

The party last night was a pure explosion of joy. I danced with my friends, with my beloved Cathy and with an absurdly beautiful stranger, who turned out to come from Czech Republic. This is just icing on the cake: the fact is that all the men I've met so far from this country are just gorgeous. By the way, I've been actively trying to meet people from Prague or Czech Republic in general, hoping to make some friends for when I move there.

And speaking of making friends, I will join the happy people around me and stop all this serious thinking.

:)

Taking stock

For the past year and a half I have doubtlessly experienced the fastest personal development ever. I know that if I think of the person I was before meeting Lama Ole and Buddha's teachings, I can't really recognize myself. It is actually embarrassing to think of how angry I was, so full of resentment, so quick to feel offended, and so easily a victim. I remember how sad I felt, how lonely, how unfair I found the world and how horrible everyone (from traffic, to strangers, to my partner, my friends and even my mother) was.

The transformation has been vital, for how can anyone survive in such a dark cloud of negativity. However years of meditation, of reading, even of psychotherapy cannot equal the transforming power of housing our Diamond-Way group for the past year and some months. Becoming responsible, at last, for my own growth, and for my actions at an ultimate level, gave me the key to my own inner power.

Working with my friends was not easy, many discussions came about, and like our lama says "people who discuss become enemies, people who meditate become friends". Fortunately, we meditated more than we argued, and we also shared many good moments, parties, cook-outs, beach outings, movies, all moments that helped to water the seeds of Sangha-ness. We really came through! We became best friends, we worked really hard together, we learned to trust one another, and to understand that in the end we are all about the Dharma. Our good intentions became good impressions and I am ever grateful for all the work that everyone did to cement our friendship.

At a more personal level, it involved many strong changes. Changes in my personal habits, regarding smoking weed for example, or the way I would approach people to ask for their help. I had to undergo a huge transformation. Open myself to the many mirrors that were reflecting my shortcomings. I had to step on my ego that wanted me to be the purest, the smartest, the quickest, the most devoted, the best meditator, the friendliest, etc. ad infinitum. It is upon coming face to face with my flaws, with the things I did not do well that the greatest change came about.

As it turned out, I was not the best communicator, nor was I the best meditator, I can only think I was truly a good cook, that statement remains, I think, uncontested. But the others went beyond contesting into really looking into the dark little corners where I felt safe. Like Lama Ole says "development happens beyond our comfort zone". And I must admit I now know a lot about what lies beyond this comfort zone. These past two months of traveling have showed me so much about the nature of my mind, my character and the ways in which I relate to the outside world that I am once again changed. A new transformation is taking place, only I can only witness it now, not really take in the actual results.

One thing is certain, I have grown up. I am wiser than I was before. The development of our meditation group in San Salvador gave me insights I treasure, even if most of the time I was unaware what was going on, my mind stream kept all impressions and quietly helped me mature and learn. 

I am not trying to write about how wonderful I am as a human being. Like I said, I started like a quite obscure, frightened little thing, and the way to Enlightment is vast and long before me. I am just taking in the wonders of human development, and I feel amazed and happy to see how it's changed me.

As I sit in this tent, surrounded by my friends on the way, I know we are all in this together, trying to become wiser, and to have more clarity, and become more useful and beneficial to others and to the world. The flow of good impressions touches us all, and I thank myself for taking a risk, for leaving home behind, for taking another risk and spending my savings on this Europe tour following my lama, strengthening the bonds with my friends on the Way. I don't know what the future holds, and much to my dismay and anxiety, I am speaking of the near future, as in ten days from now. But I trust Space, that has brought me so far with nothing but blessings, I trust myself, for I know I have become someone one can depend upon, and I trust the teachings that get me through everything that happens with a smile.

Tilopa said to Naropa "Cut all ties of involvement with country or kin, practice alone in forest or mountains retreats. Rest, not practicing anything. When you come to nothing to come to, you come to Mahamudra."

Ok, I am far from coming to nothing to come to, but I think development happens one step at a time.