In the Lab

Very good. So I am now starting where the chapter called "Butterflies" left off, there I spoke of a blooming connection and of being open to whatever opportunities and gifts life would decide to bestow upon me.

Well it didn't take long to manifest. (I am actually smiling inwardly because today is the Long Life Buddha Initiation, and I see that I always undergo strong purifications when an Initiation takes place. It's interesting, that's all.)

Anyway I committed myself to not shy away from the experience and I didn't. I gave it my all, my best, being who I am, and feeling gratefulness and generosity towards a special man. I realize that through countless lives I've interacted with countless beings and therefore sowed countless karmic seeds that were sometimes positive and sometimes (I imagine most of the time) negative. I cannot doubt the intensity of this encounter, since it shook my ground quite deeply. So much so that I was, since the beginning, struggling against very subtle feelings of fear, so subtle as to be difficult to detect, but they were there all the same.

I see the need to work on my intuition, that I still don't trust, and which told me from the very first moment that this man was a bit funny, and that it might be good not to come too close, in spite of the strong attraction I felt. But things being the way they are, I couldn't resist myself and although I knew better than approach him and go directly looking for trouble, I was totally incapable of resisting him approaching me.

So once you make this decision, once you open a door to someone, there is simply not going back, because if you inwardly say "Ok! I'll trust you", then you've made up your mind about letting somebody in and allowing him to see you. And that's what I did. The connection was profound and quite beautiful, honestly. I cannot pretend to have had anything as strong in the near past, or before Waldo. I found him kind, gentle, funny, delicate even. Concerned about me, my thoughts, my friends, and I opened up.

Until suddenly, he himself turned on the lights, and I had to rub my eyes strongly, eager to protest for the brutality of the wake-up call. He did so himself, in a way that I still have problems with and that I'll just call "Very Bad Style". I was quite angry at him last night, when it happened. And could feel all my disturbing emotions coming to the surface. But I am no longer theirs to play with at will. I am stronger than that and can actually stand the rain while I move to distance myself and look at what is really going on.

Last night, in the blur of anger, I focused on everything he was doing wrong, the confusion, the lack of wisdom and compassion, the lack of awareness, and indeed all that is there, inside him, no doubt, but it is of no interest to me, or anyone else but him, if he ever wakes up and decides to look at it.

Now I am ready to look inside of me. And as I do, I recognize my wounded pride, which limps pitifully before me. I can see attachment and jealousy don't play such a strong role in this tragedy. I thought I saw them for a while last night, but this morning they were gone. Bam!!! I am proud!!! Wow!!! I must confess I did not see that coming! I thought I was all about desire and attachment, and anger and confusion, surely, with the occasional spurts of greed and jealousy, but... pride??? seriously????

Well here it is, showing its ugly face. Here I am, wounded in my ego. Thinking of how bad I look now to the whole wide world (quite realistically, I don't think the world gives a damn, but you know how it is). I am still quite angry and cannot stand it when I feel his eyes on me, I could pluck them out (just kidding!!! well... sort of anyways). I refuse to look at him because I would then see his sardonic smile, and that would get me even madder. "I don't want to smile at you mister!!! And in spite of what you think, I don't find your story funny!!"
Grrrrrr!!! I am angry, aren't I? (I say this with a wondering surprised little smile, it is actually quite fun to examine one's emotions!).

As I grimly chew on all the things I could say to him if I were given the chance, I realize that the last one would probably be "Thank you". Not in a friendly, forgiving, bridge-building kind of way, of course, but simply quite matter of factly... This is definitely one interesting opportunity for development!

And the discoveries in the lab continue...