I know...

Because experience is something that I always take into account, and not something I try to uncomfortably hide when I don't like what happens, I know time and space affect every single one of us. The energies present today aren't the energies present tomorrow. Like the waters flowing under the Chain bridge here in Budapest are never the same waters, like the clouds passing over us change with every second, like the weather, like the rain, like my hair in the wind, like hunger, and thirst, and everything else, so also feelings change.


So I know when I leave Budapest I am truly leaving. And this is not an easy knowledge to behold, because, of course, in the absurdity of our little and big hearts, we just want things that make us happy to stay the same. But they don't.  And I know, because of what life has already taught me, not least of all this very summer, that when we let go of something, space in its vast generosity always rushes to bring us more, and we are never without what we need, inevitably receiving what we have earned through our thoughts, words and actions, since beginless times...


That doesn't mean I am not coming back. I am. This I also know for certain. But I know that in taking that plane I am weaving new conditions, new circumstances for my life that will mark it, dent it, for better or for worse, because every single step we take has a cause and a consequence. And although I do not know any of what will happen even this very afternoon, I know for a fact that one month away from here is one month spent creating something else, something entirely foreign to Budapest, to Gergő, to this "home", to this sangha, to this world that I've come to like so much.


I know that I will be happy surrounded by all my beloved ones, that I haven't seen, hugged, kissed in so long. I know I need to go home like one needs to breathe and drink and love, because I love my family, because I miss my friends, because I need to work and earn good money, and I know I will enjoy everything. Looking in the eyes of my beloved family, laughing with my girlfriends, eating the familiar food, driving again on the familiar streets, feeling again like a professional, dealing with my clients and colleagues, coming back to everything that is familiar, that is easy, that I know by heart...


I also know I will miss Europe, the proximity with the teachers, the stupas and the dharma energetic activities, I will miss Budapest's Gompa, where I feel so at home and so inspired, and the kind, lovely friends that I have met and made. But of course the worse will be missing Gergő, and the life we've made and shared. I know...


So knowing everything I know about how water flows under bridges, about how fast clouds move in the sky and about how even the strongest personal energies change, I know it is sadness, and not trust, that I feel today.